Depressing Home

I've been home for a week and it's been depressing. First I had adjustment issues to this environment because I was away from home for 2.5 years and everything is so different now in the City of Rain. Then it's my family. My parents trigger so much negative emotion in me that depression seems to be the only way to protect my brain.

Today I had an interview and got an offer right away. It's a very small part-time job teaching my second language, but because I like it and it doesn't take me too much of my life I feel quite happy about it.

Another thing that hurts is Ken. The Sunday before I left the City of Gold, he invited me to his place to hang out and offered to make me dinner. I didn't want to go to his place because I wanted to take a break from him but I needed to bring him something so he could do me a favor after I left. Thus I agreed.

We spent the whole evening hanging out at his place. He was working while watching football and I was drawing with an awesome app on his iPad that he showed me. Our entire interaction throughout the evening was very "homey and couple-ly" except that we still did not have any physical contact, even though we were flirting the whole time. He took me to the supermarket next door and bought grocery for dinner; certainly he was the one paying and carrying everything. Then he told me to let him know when I was hungry. I kept drawing while sporadically coming up with names for his company in mind. He watched me draw cherry blossom in the City of Power after buying a palette add-on for me and then marveled at how talented I was. At one point he showed me his new watch and a backpack he just ordered online. He took off his watch and I tried it on and it went with my shirt that day completely. He said he might considering buying a few more watches and give them to his bestest friends. I asked him if I was on his best friends list, and he started to keep scores of what I've done for him so far and I interrupted, "I cried for you, which is priceless!"

At around 9pm, I said to him, "I feel hungry now." He stood up and walked to the kitchen to make dinner for us. Then he said to me, "where do you think you can find a guy like me, a corporate executive who paused all his work to cook just because you're hungry?" I replied, "I know. You're wonderful." Then he joked, "I doubt any man would want to marry you because you just sit there and do nothing!" I continued with a big smile, "I'm gonna find a guy who pampers me like that."

Throughout the dinner I complimented on his cooking skills and I told him he'd be responsible for all the cooking if we were having steak again. He said "of course." After eating he cleaned the dishes. Then he took out a tailored blazer and told me he had to resew the buttons on the blazer, which was a challenge for him. He asked me if I could do it and I said, "I could but I don't want to." He begged me and I had to agree to help him sew those buttons and fix a torn lining. Then I went back to drawing the skyline of the City of Money and he wanted me to stay over at his place. Indeed he even asked me to move all my suitcases to his place and stay at his place for a few more weeks because his roommate was out of town. I declined because I wanted to go home and didn't have more money to spend and thus took the last subway home.

5 minutes into the subway station, he called me and told me that I could really teach drawing after I get back home. I laughed and said thanks.

Ken makes me feel so confused. Because he's taking so many pills for his emotional problems right now I sometimes wonder if he could actually remember our interaction and whether he was being himself when he showered me with so much care. However, I am trying very hard to let go of this guy. I can only achieve this by starting to work and dating other guys. There will be a new better man for me. Ken has made me cry too much.